1. The gift of Tools From A Tool
For the husbands that have (repeatedly) stolen your wives tools: give them back! Take a tally of all the house, yard, barn and shop tools that you have “borrowed for a second” and never returned. REPLACE THEM!! And for every single one of you that read this and immediately thought “That doesn’t apply to me.” – I call bullshit! I guarantee that as your wife read it, she immediately thought of 6 things that have disappeared. Off the top of my head, without any real thought given, my list includes: rakes, hoes, hose, buckets, measuring tapes, screw drivers, pruners, horse nippers, lead shanks, PHONE CHARGERS, pitch forks, and many, many more. Replace them. Replace them all. And don’t for one second consider replacing them with those cheap “girl versions” with the pink handles. Just because I have a vagina doesn’t mean I want pink tools. I already have a pink tool. It’s who stole my tools in the first place.(Just kidding Dear!! 😉😉😘😘)
And because you are a grown-ass man, let me assure you, you don’t need my tools to be pink to know not to steal them. Replace all those that have disappeared into the farm tool abyss, with the promise of a future where you a) ask first, and b) put them back when you are done!
2. The gift of Gates
I cannot begin to count the times I have been out, miles from nowhere, stuck behind a gate strung so damn tight that Hulk Hogan must be needed to open the damn thing. Words are said. Bad words. Really bad words. Bad words that are directed precisely towards my rancher husband.
I have a dream. A dream of the Christmas morning that my only gift under the tree is a card. A card that reads: Dear Wife, Because I love you, I have taken the time to personally test every single gate on the ranch this week. I have tested each gate to make sure that not only is every single one easily opened, but also, every electric gate that was incorrectly installed the first time (completely my fault), I have switched so that when you open it, it does not continue to pump mind-numbing, husband hate inducing electricity into your body. Thank you for all you do on our farm. Signed, your silly farmer husband that didn’t get it right in the first place.
Make this dream happen boys. You will be rewarded. In the best of ways.
3. The gift of Lube
Get your damn minds out of the gutter!! Maybe this one should be titled “The gift of Servicing Your Wife”. Hmmmm… Maybe that could still use a little work. Here is the deal: I will bale all day long. I will drive combine, I will swath. But there is this: I will not service. Even though I can operate it, I don’t like equipment. Not even a little. Don’t ask me what number the tractor is that I am driving, or where the grease nipples are. Judge me if you want, but then you will have lost an operator forever.
This is a picture of THE sexiest thing that happened on our farm last year (And Hubs would probably say that there were many). The back window wiper is broken on my baler tractor. Hubs took care of it. (The dust that is. Stopping to fix a wiper blade when it’s dry would never happen!) After completely servicing it. You want to rev your wife’s engines? Grease her nipples!!
Write her a pledge to keep her (equipment!) serviced without ever needing to be asked.
4. The gift of Travel
There isn’t much that’s hotter than a well deserved, long over-due trip off the farm. Well, there is one thing. Take a trip off the farm, and add the sexiest words known to farmers everywhere…. TAX DEDUCTABLE (Insert longing sigh…).
The trick guys, is to make sure you do it right. A quick trip into your closest farm show, while rushing back in time for chores isn’t going to score you any points. But, a trip to somewhere DIFFERENT than your usual, combined with a fancy hotel, awesome meals out, and fun with friends? THAT will get you on the scoreboard!
5. The Gift of Time
There is not a farm wife out there that does not at times feel overwhelmed with her life. Keeping up with the demands of the farm, family, possible off farm work, and just plain life can get to the best of us. While you cannot create more time in the year, you can help free up some of hers.
Christmas time is exceptionally busy, and is the perfect time to chip in BEFORE being asked. Are the lights up? Is the tree up? Is the house suprise-company ready? Yep, you can help with ALL of those things!
How about the other (many) insanely busy times of year? How about “Get out of meals in the field” cards? I have a friend who gave his wife cards that she could use at any point during harvest, and he would make meal arrangements. I don’t mean that he got off the combine or anything, but he hired a local teenager to pick up and deliver pizza to the field. The trick with making this gift awesome is the idea of NO STRINGS ATTACHED. It doesn’t mean that she needs to make up for that meal because MIL stepped in (it is not a gift if you end up owing your Mother In Law a favour). It also doesn’t mean that you need to approve of the reason she isn’t cooking that day. If she’s using her card because she is sitting on the baler, it kinda defeats the purpose. The whole point is to give her some time to do with whatever the heck she wants. Trust me, the more “she time” she gets, the more “private time” you will be rewarded with!
So boys, there you go. Five awesome Christmas Gift ideas for your deserving farm-wives. And you probably didn’t even have to leave the farm for them. Just don’t forget – even though I said (repeatedly) that this or that is ALL I want for Christmas, I am totally lying. FarmHers are awesome, we deserve it all!!
2 thoughts on “Dear (man) Farmers: Here Is What To Get Your Wives For Christmas.”
This seems like a great piece! I really wanted to share it to my farm page, but as I have a strong profanity filter on my page so that all may be without offense, I can’t share it.
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Thank you April! I completely understand about the profanity. I don’t usually use it in my writing, but for this one, it seemed to make sense.